Merry Christmas Judy
When out of nowhere yesterday, I found myself flooded with tears as I was SHOPPING. I was at Mardel (Christian bookstore) and probably saw a little angel or scripture that triggered it.
But it was a wave of incredible grief.
It was for my birthmother, Judy.
In a previous post, I eluded to this love story that happened in my life in October. It's a long story ... well, not so long in telling, but long in emotion. I can't write it yet.
My search was tentative but once we started, it took only a few days to find her. In one phone conversation with a volunteer researcher, I learned her name, the day she was born and ... the day she died.
The teenager who selflessly let her child go to a family with a mom and a dad, grew up, suffered through failed marriages, addictions, abuse and had two more children. She was funny, a free spirit, vulgar, a great friend, adventurous and beautiful. She beieved in God. I would say she was also hopeful. And she waited for me to knock on the door the minute I turned 18 years old.
She died at age 43. That's when I was a young married 26-year-old.
The whirlwind of finding her also led to a half-sister that I have met and am getting to know. That is so so wonderful. And we both admit, is strange. But I'm sure I'll get to all of that later.
It might seem strange to mourn someone I never met. But I was part of her. And in all of my years wondering about her, and thanking God for her, I never dreamed she would not be here anymore.
She died without knowing I was okay, which was one of her wishes and mine.
She died?
Lately, when all of this floods over me ... all of the new history of myself that I have, concern about my family and letting them know I love them, getting to know a new sister ... I just wish it wasn't me, not my story. Too complicated. I'm too busy. Yet, I trust God in it, and thank Him for his timing. He knew.
I'm okay, Judy. Merry Christmas. And thank you. I love you and will see you in heaven.
Posted in: on Friday, December 21, 2007 at at 8:44 AM
Wow! I grieve with you. And you said it best---let those tears wash over you. It will happen at the oddest of times, but it's still good.
I look forward to your story, when you can tell it and pray blessings over your relationship with your newly-found sister.
I'm praying for your broken heart to be completely healed and that you will find peace and rest in knowing that you WILL see her again!
Dawn, thanks for sharing this. Love, Angi